I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
