something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
