VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
