I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
