my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
