a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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