I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My pussy is not your playground.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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