Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize