be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
