he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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