His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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