No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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