people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
