glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
