I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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