recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
