I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
