I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
