life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
