I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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