There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
