I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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