I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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