Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
