Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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