Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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