right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
