Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
