I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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