I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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