Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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