I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
