Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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