i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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