I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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