haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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