oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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