8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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