On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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