we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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