i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
