why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
