i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
