He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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