I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
