I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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