I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
