oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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