I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
