Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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