i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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