I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
