we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
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you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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