Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
