my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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