apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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