Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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