I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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