She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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