i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
