he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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