i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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