I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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