2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
birth control should be required to get into college
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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